Putting the Freeze on My Sex Life

By: Chimére

I saw the snowflakes falling on my windshield that late evening last February. I even felt the frightening slippage of my tires as my car almost veered off the road on the Baltimore/Washington Parkway.  But I was on a mission.  And unlike Tom Cruise, this mission was anything but impossible.  I needed to make it home, in one piece, to accomplish this goal.  But I wasn’t alone. The handsome subject relaxing in my passenger seat, eyes slightly closed, listening to Young Jeezy, shared my thoughts and agreed with my plan. He had no intentions of standing in my way.  I was racing to get some.

Fast-forward two hours later as I traveled that same road again to drop my lover off at his home.  I use the term ‘lover’ loosely: our association was as loose as the change roaming through my purse.  He was not my boyfriend.  He wasn’t even the man I was dating.  He was the guy I met while visiting a friend.  I found it hard to resist his street-corner swag and smooth words.  We didn’t speak over the phone every day. We had only been meeting for our quarterly appointments for the last three years.  These meetings almost always occurred at my apartment because not only did he live in his mother’s basement, he also shared that tiny space with his “son’s mother.”  There were no ties that bound us together; only discussions of who would purchase the 3-pack of condoms each time we hooked up.  While I had indeed developed feelings for him, it was clear that his allegiance and love did not lie with me, no matter how many times we laid down with one another.

After returning to my apartment, I quickly bypassed the bathroom mirror while heading to the shower.  I couldn’t bear to look at myself – again.  I just wanted the hottest water I could stand to scour this feeling of hatred and abandonment from my body.  Tears rolled as I realized that I had done ‘it’ again with a man who I didn’t love.  For him, it was ok to sleep with me but he didn’t want to invest in the whole of me.  The overwhelming guilt of what I allowed to occur, when I knew better, nearly swallowed me whole.  I was so desperate to feel a man’s touch that I nearly crashed my car and caused harm to myself only to end up alone – again.  Furthermore, the experience wasn’t even worth the danger I faced or the gas I burned. I vowed then, as I had after every experience with this man, not to have sex until I was in a healthy, loving, and committed relationship.  Although I didn’t quite take my vow seriously that night, I knew it sounded and felt good to make a promise that I would try my best to keep.

I’m proud to say that nearly two years later, I’m holding on to that vow by the seams of my heart; not the seat of my pants.

But boy, do the nights get cold.  And lonely.  I can’t even watch my favorite movie, ‘Friends with Benefits’ without fear that I’m going to break out in convulsions.  (Check out the last love scene between Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis: you’ll totally get what I mean.) Attractive men who pass me on the streets are lucky thoughts don’t kill – or chain people to beds.  Sex is usually on my mind in some shape, way, or form – mostly the fact that I’m not having any.  And nothing beats the flabbergasted reactions from my friends.  If I hear, “Girl, are you crazy?!” one more time, I’m going to commit myself to the local mental institution. I’m the laughingstock of my friendship circle. Who can blame them? I’m even laughing at myself as of late.

As a Christian, I’ve read every Scripture on sexual immorality (as fornication is often labeled) and I totally understand the message behind each passage.  But as a woman, I find myself battling with my flesh over my decision simply because I’m making a heart choice instead of letting my body talk.  For me, my celibacy is more about protecting my sanity (and health) than shoving Bible literature down each person’s throat who inquires about my personal decision.  I simply can’t have sex with another man without love being at the epicenter of my desires.  And with no prospects lined up, it looks like that sexy lingerie in my closet will be holding off until some handsome, smart, good-natured man is bold enough to make a commitment to me that doesn’t require us to decide whether we’re doing it at his place or mine.
I’m not the guru on celibacy.  From day-to-day, I struggle with the heaviness of such a monstrous choice.  Here I am: smart, cute, and single.  I should be living life better than Carrie ever did in ‘Sex in the City,’ but there’s something to be said about the way my heart is feeling.  I’m more secure, sexy, and in complete control of myself and sex life. And that’s a part of my judgment that sex with the wrong person can sometimes cloud. I’m also not blaming someone else for my poor choices. I recognize that sleeping with this guy was a choice I made because I thought I couldn’t do better. My vow of celibacy is the coursework I needed to pursue for my soul; a random orgasm simply couldn’t cure what was wrong there.

Every few months, the guy I nearly risked my life for sends a text to ‘just check on me,’ which is booty-call speak for, “Shorty, it’s been a minute.  When can we get it in?”  But the longer I refuse to respond, as difficult as it sometimes is, the better I feel about me.  And I’m proud of that.  Hopefully, God and some of you will be proud of me (and you, too.)

About these ads

15 responses to “Putting the Freeze on My Sex Life

  1. Wow, Chimere. I could so relate! Thanks for being brutally honest, clear and heartfelt. I am giving you a high-five for willing to stand, even alone, and to vote for you, your sanity, your health and what you truly deserve as a woman of God. Just know that as crazy as it sounds to the world, there are still some of us left in the world. :) Standing with you my sister in your vow as one who has been celibate for a little over 4 years. I just hope The Lord will hurry up! Blessings to you!

    • Thanks so much, Charlene. I pray all is well and that we can connect soon. I appreciate you understanding and reading this post.

  2. OMG! I can so relate to this post! Thank you so much for sharing this! This gives me so much encouragement while I’m currently battling a similar situation.

    • When I write, I often try to think of others who may be affected by similar paths and stories. Please stay strong and know you’re not alone.

    • Thank you, Fee. It means a lot that you read and support me in every aspect of my life: writing and makeup. Appreciate you more than you know.

  3. I’m very proud of you!! You have no idea how much I needed to read this today, at this very moment. Stay strong. It will all be worth it.

    • And as much as you needed to read this, I needed to write this. I was feeling weak and needed a reminder. I hope you defer to this post often as you, too, continue to stay strong. Thanks for your support.

  4. Chimere – Congratulations on making it a priority to Like and Love yourself! It’s incredibly hard to live for the future instead of the moment. I applaud you. I am inspired.

    • Don’t I know it :) Thank you for supporting this post and my honesty. This was not easy to share. Appreciate the support.

  5. I am absolutely proud of you, too, Chimere! I can totally relate. As a fellow Christian and fellow celibate sister, but also as someone who made this type of decision for similar reasons, annnnnd as someone who is just as human and has the same kinda thoughts! Yes, that struggle is DAILY! Lol Ironically, this was right on time to reaffirm my decision in a moment of weakness, too. God bless you!!! If you ever need support or further encouragement, I am happy to help any way I can; you know how to find me!

    • Rachel! Thank you so much for standing with me. The road gets hard but the results and promises over our lives are amazing. I offer the same kindness to you as well. Appreciate the support.

  6. Dayuuum. That just made my morning. Thanks for being plain about this. I’m at that age when all that goes through your head everyday is sex and its really difficult to the point of impossibility to refuse random sex as a single lady. I’ve been on for 3 months going and girl does it not get tough. But fact that I know I’m not alone in the game is reason enough to know I’m gotta go strong.

Got Something to Say???? Leave a Comment!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s